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“I cannot fix on the hour, or the spot, or the look, or the words, which laid the foundation. It is too long ago. I was in the middle before I knew that I had begun.”
— Mr. Darcy’s response to Elizabeth’s query of when he fell in love with her.
Pride & Prejudice by Jane Austin

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C:  I wish there was a way to know that this is real for you too.  Missing you dearly.

T: I can feel it coming off of you and it matches how I feel.  It feels like a loop where I send it to you and you feed it back to me and I send it back to you…and every trip it changes flavors ever so slightly getting better and more interesting each time.

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For My Love

Dearest -

I’m counting the moments til I’m safely in your arms again.  Thankfully your proficiency with php ensures that’s not a manual calculation ;)

Thinking of you sends my heart soaring through the clouds – it’s the blue sky and a sunny heart that keeps this smile on my face.  I think the whole world can tell I’m in love because in all the years I’ve lived here, I have never been approached by so many friendly strangers!

I’d say it’s luck but luck is just hard work combined with coincidence.  No, I’m not lucky to have you in my life – I’m blessed.  Today you were there for me, right with me when I really needed you.  It was your sweet words - your patient reassurance – your steadfast comfort that pulled me through the pain.  Thank you my love.

Yours forever,

C

 

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Our Love is Like a Metaphor

My feelings for you are so big and new to me that I’m finding them somewhat incomprehensible. I have nothing in my life to compare them to so all I’m left with is trying to come up with a way to quantify what I’m feeling. To that end metaphor and analogy are the only tools I have at my disposal.
These border on the silly but they make me think of you and therefore make me smile so I share them with you now.

I was adrift in an endless ocean, sunburned and thirsty and not ever thinking I was going to survive and I was washed upon your shore and found something different. No longer adrift, alone, I found a place of life and color and shelter and safety.

Alternatively, I was stuck on a desert island (not nearly as nice as that other one I described) and you showed up on my beach one day with a boat and a razor.

I told you some of these were silly :-)

I’ve been spelunking through vast caverns and caves and I got lost and couldn’t find my way out. I’ve been here in the darkness so long I’m not even sure my eyes still work and I turn that corner and there you are…a ray of sunshine showing me the way out of this darkness. My eyes still work and I see your light and feel your warmth and it is everything.

What I’m saying is I had lost hope that I’d ever find love, real love, and had convinced myself that it was fine, that I was fine…

And then you showed me that I couldn’t have been more wrong.

You showed me that this is the best thing I could possibly imagine and so much more. So you’re my island, you’re my light in the darkness, my shade in the sunlight, my umbrella in the rain, you are my love and because of you I now know what that word means.

Yours Always,
T

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Rewriting the Past

I admit it, I spend a lot of time in my head. Fantasizing, envisioning the future, thinking about what might have happened if I made this choice instead of that. Analyzing feelings, reliving that perfect moment when I appeared in a rowboat with a razor. Falling in love with you jolted my imagination into overdrive – any spare cycles are spent thinking of you and us. Ok I admit it – it’s hardly just the SPARE cycles; I think of you when I should be working, eating and sleeping.

So many things have taken on a different meaning in my life.  Today I remembered The Notebook; a passionate love story that hit the theaters years ago when I was in a loveless marriage.  Watching it at the time – I was on a contract job in Iowa – remember?  It was right when I had Edit create that header for you; right at the start of your first blog.

I watched it and cried; sobbing really.  Not because she died and he simply stopped living without her.  That was sad, yes but I cried for a different reason.  It was at that moment, 7 years into my 12 year marriage that I realized I would never have that kind of relationship.   It wasn’t an epiphany – I’d known this for years.  In fact we’d even talked about the fact that I needed an emotional relationship external to my marriage because that connection was impossible for my husband at the time.  I was an alcoholic that had reached rock bottom in my marriage.  I mourned the loss of the possibility of intertwined souls and true love.

They say that its better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.  What bullshit.  If you “lose” love then you never had it in the first place.  I think about the years wasted in unrequited love; loving a man that (in hindsite) never actually loved me or our kids.  And it sickens me – the time I spent trying to MAKE him love me.  That’s not love.  It never was.  Yes, it was good for me to go through that because I learned and became a better person but I never had love in the first place – so I never lost it at all.

Today I remembered The Notebook and cried tears of joy.  I’m incredibly happy because I found YOU after all these years and suddenly true love forever is not only possible but iminent.  I am here. You are here (on Skype anyway).  Our souls have been intertwined for so many years; to have that ignite into romance, passion and love is the most amazing experience of all.  You are the one for me.

They say that its better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.  The truth in that statement is simply this:  It is better to have loved.

I love you.

C

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T: “If the professor calls about that job just tell him sorry, I had to go see about a girl.”

- Will in Good Will Hunting

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C: “Our love is like your brownies, hot out of the oven.  My infatuation with you is the chocolate icing you smother those hot brownies with – all melty, soft and sweet.  Mmmmmmmmm  let’s get lickin’!”

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T: “5 wonderful days that were 8 years in the making”

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Sometimes Brownies Are More Than Just Brownies

I’m proud of my brownie recipe. I’ve spent a lot of years making them come out just right when I make them. They’re the perfect cakey/fudgey mix and they taste really good. It came up in passing, as we were spending time together, that I should definitely make you some brownies. We went to the store and got the fixin’s I was missing, came back to the apartment and I started setting up for some brownie making. I looked at everything laid out before me on the counter and that’s when it hit me.

This wasn’t just any batch of brownies.

You were in the living room and couldn’t see me so I stopped, just for a second, and closed my eyes and had a mental conversation with the blender, the spoons and the bowls, the chocolate squares and the eggs and the bags of flour and sugar.

“Alright guys. This is what we’ve been training for. Everything up till now has just been practice. Today is the real thing. Today we bring our A game because today we make these for her…and she is very special to me so it has to be just right”

It must have worked because they’ve ever been better, and then you even taught me a better way to eat them.

Yours in sweetness and chocolate,
T

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A Story

It was a regular day, unremarkable in most respects from any other with one exception. Somewhere around lunchtime there was a crackle then a hum followed by a flash, like lightening without sound. Somewhere, some science experiment had gone wrong and for that day, as the scientists scrambled to put everything back the way it was, everyone said exactly what was going through their mind, all the time.

You can imagine this caused some problems.

Passengers in cabs said exactly what they thought about the cab driver’s music and that weird smell in the back seat. Store clerks said what they thought about their customers tastes in clothing and books and interior decorating choices. Teachers let the class know exactly who their favorite students were and every employee in every company said all those things that they’d always held back, to their boss, their subordinates, their co-workers. And the waitresses, the poor, poor waitresses…

In our house, though, we hardly even noticed. For us it really was a regular day, unremarkable from any other, except for one exception. All of our conversations sounded something like this:

I really liked that article you sent me this morning. I love you. Have you seen my book? I love you. This dinner is amazing. I love you. This show is hilarious! I love you. I love you. I love you.

A day like any other…

T

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Let Me Count the Ways

For my love…

How do I love you? Let me count the ways.
I love good morning sunshine. A ray of happiness shines in my soul.
I love hello beautiful. A smile lights my eyes.
I love a story. You capture my interest and hold it intensely yet gently.
I love your fingertips. The pleasure of the slightest pressure on the small of my back.
I love your eyes. Stunning blue depths to go exploring; piercing truth in a glance.
I love soft kisses. Gentle, loving, passion becomes hungry exhilarated arousal.
I love its ok, it will be alright, I’ve got you. Sweet words, a soft touch to reach the despair and lift my thoughts to happiness.

For this and more you have my heart; you are my heart.

Always,
C

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A Moment

We keep asking each other about the important moments. When did we first know? When is the dividing line between before and now? We’ve loved each other a long time but do you remember when our first thought of us went from ‘friend’ to…something more?

I don’t have any big epiphanies. Not about this particular thing. I had a big epiphany for myself when I decided I wanted to be with you forever but that’s a different thing and for a different letter. I have a series of different, smaller moments in our time together where I thought of you as more than just a friend and here’s one now.

It was after “the kiss” (which is a pretty big moment in and of itself) and we were on the way to the movies for a relaxing afternoon before you flew home. We stopped by the ATM to get you some cash but I was driving so you gave me your card and told me the PIN. As we were driving away I turned towards you and said something like “just so we’re even my PIN is xxxx” and you laughed. You laughed at my silly little joke and in that moment your whole face lit up, illuminated from within by joy and I was left momentarily speechless. I didn’t know it quite in that moment precisely what was going on but I knew, in that moment, that I loved you, I loved being with you, I loved seeing your face like that and I started thinking that life would be wonderful if I could see that look on your face more often.

It’s been a while since that day, July 21st and I’ve seen that look on your face countless times since then (and am, in fact, seeing it on your face right now) and I just want you to know that it truly is wonderful to see and it makes me smile in response every single time.

T

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Another Moment

July 29th at 3:30pm.


There now it’s memorialized; immutable.  A moment in time when all the pieces fell into place and there nothing was left but “Yes!” and a ring.

I see a path now stretching before us and its like the wooded fairlyland we walked through yesterday.  Calm, peaceful, a shady refuge beckoning.  You are my home, my life, my love, my family.  All that I ever dreamed of and so much more.  I’m thrilled to be making the journey together now. 

You know how its the “right” decision when it feels right?  A few years ago I wouldn’t have put much stock in my intuition.  Now it’s different.  I’ve learned the hard way through cold harsh reality to listen to my nameless fears. So I’m sitting here waiting, listening intently to that inner voice and my love, there are no fears.

I’ve wracked my brains trying to find a flaw, a curve ball, a fly in the chardonnay but all I’m seeing are blue sunny skies over perfectly indigo ocean waves.  One perfect picture on one perfect day.

I’m so happy you came here my love.  I feel like my life just started and I have a ring and everything! ;)

Yours Forever,

C

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Music Every Day

You really do have such a beautiful singing voice.

The first morning of your visit I was working at my desk and you went in to take a shower. After a couple minutes I heard a quiet, undefinable singing/humming going on from the bathroom and I realized you were just singing happily as you took a shower. I took my hands off the keyboard and just sat back and listened to it for a little while with a small smile on my face.

I didn’t yet know what was going to happen, but in that moment I could see the edges of it. In that moment I thought to myself “This…this is happiness. I could get used to hearing her sing every morning in the shower” I’ve heard you singing like this countless times since then and it never fails to put a smile on my face.

Love, always and forever,
T

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My Smile is for You

Hello My Love,

It’s another gorgeous day in the Pacific North West. Luna has her head resting on my knee. I’m sitting next to the trees in their bikinis outside of Starbucks – you know the ones ;) Just working away as I think of you and us and our lives together.

You should see the smile on my face. That silly grin I get when I think of us holding hands as we walk on the beach 40 years from now. Or when I glance across the room and our eyes meet briefly – I love your stunning blue eyes – and I can’t help but smile in a way that lights up my whole face. I can feel that smile warm my heart when I think of you.

Thinking of that pic – the first one at the resturant next to the canal so many years ago brings a smile too. When you showed me that pic months after we returned – it was the first time I felt loved in years. The poignant twinge of melancholy happiness I felt when you sent it; I still remember that feeling – the feeling of being loved by someone who truly sees me. I loved you dearly even then though it took years before we finally came together romantically. Your friendship has been the lighthouse in the stormy ocean of my life. Thinking of the 3am calls or just out of the blue – I’m in Vegas, want to get together? Years and years of moments with you in my memory and they all bring that truly happy smile to my face.

I think everyone here can see it too – so many people stopping to chat and pet Luna. You know though, that my smile is yours. My heart is yours. My love is yours.

Forever,

C

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Alone in Excession

As soon as you left I finished Excession in the bath. Needed something to distract me from the silence, not being able to glance up and see you smiling at me. It’s the only Culture novel that didn’t resonate except for one paragraph (pg. 391):

“So she had always been alone. And she suspected, she almost knew, that she would end her days alone. It was a source of sadness –though she tried never to wallow in self-pity– and even, in a subsidiary way, of shame, for at the back of her mind she could not escape the nagging desire for somebody– some man, if she were honest with herself– to come to her rescue, to take her away from the vacuum that was her existence and make her no longer alone. It was something she had never been able to confess to anybody.”

I’ve always been alone. Years ago I finally admitted to myself that I would ALWAYS want to be with a man. This is one of those core things that I can’t change about myself; really I don’t want to change about myself. That’s when I flew to Vegas to submit the final papers – there is nothing worse than being married but still alone and I knew I couldn’t tolerate it for one more minute.

And there you were – with me the minute I called. And here you are now – rescuing me from the vacuum of my existence, my partner in life forever, the hero I’ve been searching for, the love of my life.

With you, my love, I never have to be alone again. You’ve made that clear in so many ways more than words can ever say. There are hundreds of times you’ve been there for me but it’s your decision to join me for this round of hcg that really made me believe. You aren’t placating me or just saying it; you’ve really stuck to it even while travelling for work. I’ve heard thousands of lies but from you only the truth – you make me believe that this is really happening.

I still cannot believe how lucky I am to have you by my side today, tomorrow and always. You are the warmth of a hearthside fire in the snowy winter of my life.

Yours forever,
C

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Why Do I Love You the Way I Do?

You like to ask me why I love you. For me it’s enough that I love you more deeply than I’ve ever loved anyone and I don’t really get too introspective about it. In my head I know exactly what that means and why this is different than anything else I’ve ever felt in my entire life. You ask that question seriously, though, and it deserves a real answer. One that’s been percolating in my head for a few days now.

I love the way you make me think about things. You make me use parts of my brain I didn’t even know existed. You challenge me in a way no one challenges me and for a guy like me, a guy who is never happier than when learning something new, it is nothing short of amazing. Why do I love you? I don’t know, I just do, but let me think, there must be real reasons. My brain has never had to do what it’s doing right now to write this and for that, I love you.

I love the way you think, about everything. The way you don’t merely read a book but analyze it. Reading and thinking about things we can talk about in it as you’re going through it. When you have an unexplained feeling you track it down and figure out why you’re feeling it. When you hear a new theory or bit of information you don’t just take anyone’s word for it. You look it up, you come to your own conclusion. When your children have problems or are struggling you don’t just wring your hands and hope that somebody, anybody, some unnamed someone can do something about it. You dig in, do some research, find some solution and implement it or you find someone who can do that very thing. You do something about it. Which is part of another thing I love about you which is you don’t trust luck, you don’t leave things to chance. You work hard for what you have. Every bit of it. People say you’re lucky but that’s because they can’t even comprehend the amount of work you had to go through to get to where you are. You make your own reality and for that, I love you

I love the way you think big. Not that you’re never satisfied, it’s that you are always thinking of something new. Some new adventure, some places to go, new things to do, hobbies to try, activities with the kids. The way your face lights up when you have new ideas going through your mind is a sight to behold and makes you beautiful. You never grow complacent with anything around you and for that, I love you.

I love that you’re interested in me. How you care not just about the things I say or stories I have, but about me, the real me. How I’m feeling, what I’m doing, what I think about something. You aren’t just waiting for me to stop speaking so you can say what you want to say. You make me feel wanted in a way no one ever has and for that, I love you.

I love your smile. I don’t know what it is but when you smile or laugh, and especially if I can cause you to do those things, your entire face lights up and I’m not just seeing you happy it’s like I’m seeing a part of your soul. It fills me with joy to know that just for a moment I’ve helped you be that happy. It is addictive and I just can’t stop myself and I hope that is OK because I’m going to keep doing it. Your smile lights up my life and for that, I love you.

I love your strength and independence. Your “do what has to be done” attitude. When life kicks you in the ass and knocks you down you don’t just thrash about, kick it back or give up. You take the fall, you get back up, you deal with it, you move past it, you just refuse to let it win. This could have made you hard. Very, very hard and cold and shelled. Life has certainly done that to many people. But you didn’t let it. You have warmth and softness and love within you that is pure and beautiful and you share it with me and for that, I love you.

I love that you make me feel comfortable enough to really open up to you. I play at being very open but it’s my own type of shield. All I have to do is be more open than other people on average and I seem like an open book but that’s somewhat of a ruse on my part. You make me want more. You are the only one I’ve ever really, truly felt like I could tell you anything, anything at all. My hopes and desires, those are easy to share. My fears, those are much much harder and you I can have that conversation with. I feel like I can come to you with my problems and you can just give me sympathy or alternately actually help me come up with solutions depending on the situation. You make me feel less alone in the universe and for that, I love you.

For all these reasons and many, many more, I love you. You are my light, you make my soul sing, you make me sing and for that, I love you.

Yours forever,
T

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Built in a Secret Lab for Each Other

My dearest love, I’m sitting here alone in a hotel room in a city far, far away from you and while I should be thinking about the work I’m doing or the conference I’m attending, all I can think about is you. My thoughts are taking a weird silly turn and so I write them down here for your enjoyment.

A thought experiment, please play along.

Imagine people as a flat, irregularly shaped object and on that object’s surface are locks going down into it and keys jutting up from it. Lots of people don’t have particularly complex shapes. A handful of locks and a handful of keys arranged in a fairly predictable fashion. Rotate the object a little and enough of the keys fit enough of the locks to make the objects connect together and (metaphorically) lead a happy life. Some people just smoosh their surfaces together and hardly any keys fit any locks and they just call it good anyway. In this twisted paradigm you and I are like a hundred keys and a hundred locks organized as if by a drunken mad scientist with a welding torch. Both of us. Yet, somehow, inexplicably, we fit. Where there are locks, keys fit. When a key pops up in a really weird orientation sure enough there’s a lock on the other side that it goes into. Where locks are rusted shut there are lockpicks and WD-40. Every weird lock or key we’ve ever thought “pfft…no way in hell I’m finding someone who that key’s going to fit” or “That lock, shut and closed forever. There’s no one on earth with a key to fit that thing”. And yet, here we are.

Me: I want to move to Portland. You: Me too, let’s go.

You: I don’t want any more kids. Me: Me either, I love the ones you have, let’s make sure we don’t have any more.

Me: I don’t really want to mix our businesses. You: Absolutely, in fact while we’re at it I want to keep all our finances separated.

You: What about changing names after marriage? Me: No, it’s archaic and I don’t want your last name.

You: I eat really healthy. Me: I want to eat healthier, plus I love an excuse to cook, I need to lose weight and my existing diet can give me gas which is no good around the one you love.

Me: I can’t stop touching you. You: I can’t stop wanting you to touch me.

You: I want to write each other love letters. Me: I want to write you love letters.

Me: I’ve never had a girl to kiss on New Year’s Eve. You: No one’s ever wanted to kiss me on New Year’s Eve

You: 6 month world cruise? Me: As long as we can learn a bunch of languages as we do it.

The list goes on and on. You hold up a lock, I hold up a key and vice versa. You ask if I have a lock that some key goes in and I say “I dunno, oh, look, try this one…a perfect fit, nice”. This is why I sometimes feel we’ve been manufactured in some lab for each other. For all we know there’s some alien ship just watching our every move and I have to tell you…

I don’t care.

Spending an entire life with an amazing woman custom build in some lab for me? A girl who I was also manufactured precisely for? Seems like the stuff of dreams to me.

Enjoy the view from the mothership, Kang and Kodos. I hope you like what you see so far because we are just getting started.

And you ain’t seen nothin’ yet. ;-)

Your’s, always, in the vast experiment that we call life,
T

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You are the beat in my heart

My Love,

You are the sun in my day, the wind in my sky, the waves in my ocean, and the beat in my heart.

Today you reminded me again that we apart right now for pragmatic purposes only and that our reunion will be sweet and beautiful and forever. Listening to your steadfast words, I found myself believing you; believing in you. I thought of the quote about love being patient:

Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous;

Love rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never fails.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7,13

Surprisingly that’s from the bible. Source aside, sweetheart, I have found this kind of love – true love – for the first time in my life with you.

You are patient with me and kind. Your heart is honest, unwavering, faithful and hopeful. In hard times you look to the positive future and keep the darkness at bay — for me too; for that I am so grateful.

Most important though –

Your love never fails.

Through all the years we’ve known each other until today and forevermore I’ve never felt your love fail. You are strong and true; my rescuer, lover and friend.

My heart beats to love you. My soul strives to match your strength. My body responds to every gentle touch with ardent adoration. I am yours in every way.

Always,
C

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Another One of Those Moments

This is another of those moments. Where I didn’t know what was going to happen between us, but I could see “us” as a possibility.

We had a day where we were left to our own devices in San Diego. There was no conference or meetings or anything else going on. We decided to head out to Coronado for the day. Check out the island, do a little touristing. We hopped the ferry out and spent a perfectly normal day out amongst all the people enjoying the amazing Summer day. All of which made for a nice day but not the moment I’m speaking of. We got on the ferry and headed back to San Diego and as we were sitting there I put my arm across the back of the bench behind your back. It was a good example of following my instinct and just doing what felt right. At that point in our relationship I was still struggling with exactly what that was, but in that moment I really wanted to put my arm around you, so I did. Though I didn’t get it all the way there. I just put it across the back of the bench, but not quite doing what I wanted which was to put my arm around you. Luckily you met me halfway. You leaned into me and my whole body rang like a bell, deep, deep vibration bongggggg……my heart -definitely- skipped a beat and as the bell died away I was left with an amazing feeling of peace. We sat there in a comfortable, casual embrace and rode the waves back to the pier.

That was the moment. I think you took a tiny nap and I know I was very sleepy but I didn’t want to nod off. I wanted to experience every second of that moment for as long as it lasted. It just felt so right and I knew that if there was any way we could manage it I wanted many more such moments with you.

I will always be there with an arm across your shoulders, available to lean on.

Yours in lovely, comfortable sun warmed embraces, forever,
T

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A Ferry Crossing

I remember a day in San Diego when we wandered through the city and finally out to the Coronado ferry. Just hanging out in the tourist shops. I took clandestine pictures of art at the gallery while you looked out for the shop manager. You watched me try on that cream & pink summer dress with the lacy back and cute sandals bedecked with shiny glass jewels. I ended up buying that dress; entirely unusual for me to see something I like, try it on and buy it but you made that whole process almost…fun :)

By the time we took the ferry back I wanted nothing more than to rest my head on your shoulder but in all the years we’d gone out together on similar expeditions, I never had the slightest idea that you would be open to me taking such liberties. The truth is that we’d been friends for so long, I didn’t think you wanted me to rely on you to hold me after a long afternoon of touristy sightseeing.

I heard my heart pounding when you moved your arm across the back of the bench. It was an opening; granted you still weren’t actually touching me but maybe…maybe…you wouldn’t mind if I just leaned on you a little?

My trepidation dissipated quickly as I settled into you. My heart skipped a beat when I dared to think – maybe he likes me? maybe he wants this? maybe he wants me? The lull of the ocean waves and sun warming my skin softly sent me dozing.

You have to know that sleeping in public is a major fait accompli for me. I’d lived so long with fear that it’s hard for me to get to sleep in normal circumstances much less in public. I was only able to nod off on that sunny boat deck because I was safe in your arms and dreaming of being safe in your heart.

Always yours,
C

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A Kiss

No this isn’t the kiss – in fact it was before we’d ever really kissed at all. But if ever you were trying to ensnare me in your alluring web, this moment had to be it.

I was staying with you in Vegas – just before the conference in San Diego. Must have been the second day of the trip.

I stood in the kitchen silently and alone staring blankly out the window; it was early and I was dressed for a morning swim just taking in the sunshine while waiting for you. I heard you come in the kitchen though I stayed in my little trance.

In a moment you were right behind me gently touching my right shoulder. I heard you murmur “Good morning” and softly, ever so sweetly you kissed the left side of my neck – right above the collarbone.

In that moment I melted. Every part of my body responded to that kiss. Time stood still as champagne bubbles erupted in my stomach, across my skin from the tips of my toes bringing that smile to my face. I turned to say good morning back to you but you’d disappeared already.

If there ever was a moment when I became yours; if such a moment exists – it was then. The sun soaked morning in the kitchen where you managed to pierce through all my defenses with a soft kiss and a gentle touch.

Thinking about it brings that smile up again. I can feel your lips brush my neck. I can feel your love and my body’s responding arousal like the warmth of the sunshine in a shady wood.

Yours in soft touches,
C

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T: I’ve typed 20 things buth nothing sounds right. I have no real consolation but this…you’ll never have to do this alone again. When they come home again I will be with you.

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Some More of Why I Love You

The last letter with the reasons why I love you were all the big, important things. Largely the reasons I’ve always loved you. Here is a fond list of some of the things I love about being with you now.

I love your casual elegance.
I love the way you curl up and sit on the couch with your legs up underneath you.
I love watching you put on your makeup in the morning.
I love waking up and being able to just stare into your blue, blue eyes.
I love being able to reach out a hand and caress you whenever I want and you always like it.
I love looking up and finding you staring at me across the room.
I love the way you curl your body into mine when we’re lying together.
I love that subtle, undefinable way you smell.
I love watching you stretch like a cat.
I love sitting on the front porch, eating a meal with you, watching nature, enjoying the sunlight.
I love it when you move your hair enough to expose your neck or one of your ears. It’s casual and unconscious and it drives me wild.

I love you for so many things both big and small that I couldn’t possibly list them all out, but I will make sure you know how much I love you, every single day.

Forever.

Yours in eternity,
T

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The Times Apart

Sometimes it feels like we’ve spent more time apart than together. It’s not true but, at this stage, 16 days out of our 45 together just seems like an eternity. I’ve been thinking about this today because you are on a business trip this weekend and I’m sitting here missing you. Not too terribly, it doesn’t have the same ache, the same pain that the previous times apart have had. I think this is a good sign actually because I know it’s only 2 days apart, not a week and also I know what this looks like now. What we look like together. How good it is and the sheer potential for the amazing life we are going to have together is just mind boggling and huge. So I sit here, missing you, but I keep myself occupied thinking of the morning that you left. I think about your oh-so-blue eyes and how it makes me feel to be looking into them. I think about the way you feel when I hug you so very, very closely, where I can feel you breathe with my entire body. I think about the wonderful dinner we had last night and how great it was to steal some time just for ourselves. A couple hours to get away and enjoy some time together without any distractions, just each other. I think about these things and about how happy I’m going to be to see you when I pick you up from the airport on Sunday. I think about all of this and even though you’re not here it feels like you are and I can feel your nails tracing lightly on my shoulder and I am not happy you aren’t here but I am quite happy that I know that you’re going to be back soon and then we get to be happy together.

Yours in happiness and joy, forever,
T

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Yes Darling, I’m the Luckiest

We’ve gone back and forth about who is the luckiest and statistically you’ve got to admit that I had the more challenging list between the two of us. I spent years searching for someone younger than myself who had never been married but didn’t want kids; who would love my children as their own & be a real father (that might mean doling out candy?!?). Someone who loves travel, reads and understands books, shares my views on marriage (seems like a rare view but after that conversation with my taxi driver on the way to McCarran today…who knows?), someone who is articulate, shares their feelings and views, and makes love with me rather than just using me for sex.

A man who loves completely without possessing, thinks about who he wants to be and works to become that person, shows kindness and compassion to others – to fellow human beings not just me. Someone capable of making me smile every single day – capable of making love every single day. A man who never lies to me and that’s a purposeful absolute use of “never”. Do I sound as though I am reaching for the stars with this list? That could be because its a one in 3 billion chance that I could find this person :) So statistically speaking I am certainty the luckiest one!

Waiting on the plane parking lot (uh…tarmac?? ;) for the plane to leave so we can once again be together; all I can think about are the many reasons why I love you.

I love your ability to pay attention – really listen to both the words I am saying as well as the ramification of those words. You remember the smallest details – what I wore on the ferry to Coronado, that perfect shade of blue that is my favorite, the small worry about of the girls, that one stupid thing that Take Me did to irritate me. But you don’t just remember these things – you carefully consider your words and actions to make our life together even better than I ever imagined. I love the way you pay attention to me and the little girls; you make us welcome and safe in your heart and for that I love you dearly.

Remember when we played Taboo with the neighbors and I said “Something I never do / hate doing” and you immediately said “take advice”. That was hilarious but so utterly true. I love the fact that you are the opposite of me in this area – you are not only willing to take advice but very good at learning from others’ mistakes. You thoughtfully weigh what people say and take the good stuff leaving stupidity for the moronic masses. I love your talent for discerning wisdom and implementing it in your own life.

You know that saying that “Nice guys finish last”? Hey – that’s what she said! You are the nicest guy I know and I love you for your kindness and compassion for people. Not just me or the little girls but everyone – the server who has to stay until the last table has been waited on; other drivers on the road; people in need of help – I am so excited to start a charitable foundation with you one day. The checker at the grocery store. Everywhere you go you leave kindness and generosity in your wake. You’re a nice guy who brightens the day of everyone you meet and I love you for being that amazingly nice guy who brightens my life every day from the moment I wake up to your sleepy smile and blue blue eyes to the moment I fall asleep nestled in your safe embrace. Yes – nice guys finish last or at least at the same time ;) hehehe.

I love the one man comedy routine you perform daily just for me; you make me smile. Today I was vaguely wondering why my face hurts a little. Then in a flash of insight I realized that its because I am smiling practically 24/7! My norm is kind of a deadpan blankness (that keeps the flirting number throwers to a minimum) with an occasional fleeting smile; like a 5 second downpour in the deserts of Vegas. With you I smile constantly – whether at your cute funny one man shows or the thought of loving you forever or watching you with the girls. Its just a constant flow of happiness that keeps an unavoidable smile on my face. Not just the half hearted fake smile – its the smile from my soul that reaches my eyes. Its my heart singing the song of your love; harmony to your heart’s song. All of that happiness and love bubbles up like frothy champagne in a never ending stream of smiles.

In August 2010 when I came to Vegas for that conference you told me you started your own dev company and from that moment the last barrier (for me) to a romantic relationship between us disintegrated. I looked at you with a new-found respect. You know how hard it is to work from home running your own business. You know the willpower and strength of being your own boss. You know the arduous long hours to make things work; to accomplish everything that needs to get done and more. You know that sitting at the computer for 18 hours straight is not just sitting around messing with email and watching funny cat videos on YouTube. You know the power and responsibility of creating a long term income and how that’s so different from a paycheck. You enjoy the freedom of creating your own schedule and distributing your time to the most important things in life. You know how to prioritize. Your work ethic is incredible. I love your willpower and entrepreneurial outlook. Your strength and ability in creating your own business commands my respect and makes loving you even more exciting and interesting than ever.

I love you for the honesty and integrity which are fundamental components of your personality. You’ve never lied to me. I can say that with utter confidence because its something you’ve proven over and over again during the last 8 years. Part of what makes us work so perfectly is that we were absolutely committed to friendship only during the first 6 years that we knew each other (both of us committed to different paths). Neither of us had anything to hide whatsoever and no fear of judgement in total honesty with each other. There was never a reason to lie or keep skeletons in a closet. In fact our connection has been based for years in getting to know you – the “real” you that you don’t share with anyone else entirely. Facets of yourself, yes; many people know bits and pieces.  But all of you – everything – it’s just been you and I for so many years, love. When you say that its forever I know within my soul – to the deepest level that you are by my side for eternity. I have never doubted that since July 29th when you asked me to make the same commitment to you. Your honesty and integrity are the cornerstone of this relationship and I love you with all my heart for that.

For these and so many more reasons, I love you with all my heart and soul. Looking forward to your warm embrace when I arrive home.

Forever,
C

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Words Don’t Normally Fail Me

I think of myself as a good speaker of the English language. I have a good vocabulary and fair mastery of the grammar and usage so that I’m not just talkin’ like ever’one else does all’a time. It’s probably due to all the reading I do but, who knows, maybe it’s just my love of language in general. My entire life I have been quite comfortable in this ability within myself.

Until now.

Something in my life has happened that is so beyond my comprehension that I have quite a hard time putting it into words and expressing myself sometimes. in general I think I’m doing it pretty well but not as much as I’d like to. Thankfully, when I run out of words, there you are with just the right ones.

The day we started realizing what there was between us, you said it first. I was sitting there with all these feelings and emotions running rampant and had NO idea what was going on and then you said it

“I enjoy being in love”

There it was: the perfect words. Until that moment I was just confused but happy and then, once you said that, I had the words, I had the definition of what I was feeling. I was in love and it was amazing.

You got me again the other day, too. I think I got as far as “Good morning” and you said something that, once again, perfectly said everything I was thinking in a concise and perfect sentence.

“You’re the best thing that ever happened to me”

Simple, powerful, and it chokes me up a little just thinking about it. Where I had, at that point, a very defined love for you and us and our relationship and everything, it still wasn’t enough. What was enough? What was exactly the right thing to properly encapsulate everything all at once? That sentence. A stark and perfect truth.

You’re the best thing that ever happened to me and I will make sure you know that, every day. I don’t see any reason for these feelings to ever fade. You may be the luckiest (may be) but I am still very, very, very lucky and I know it with every breath I take and knowing it makes it that much more precious because I’ll never take it for granted. I couldn’t have picked a better person to spend the rest of my life with.

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Every Day is Christmas

Such happy mornings  - I woke up today and heard you softly say  ”Good morning beautiful”  in that way which invariably makes me smile and thank God for you.  Its such a treat to wake up next to you every day – you are the best thing that ever happened to me :)  It seems impossible that things keep getting better and better every day.  It seems impossible that I could love you more, experience more joy when I look into your eyes, feel more excitement at another day of domestic bliss and yet…I do.  I’m filling a balloon with love instead of helium and the balloon keeps getting bigger and bigger and bigger but it never explodes; it just carries me gently through LoveLand (that’s similar to CandyLand but you get love instead of gumdrops and ice cream – waaaayyyyy better).

I couldn’t believe my eyes yesterday when UPS delivered bug zapper rackets and a sim card straight from your heart to our living room.  Its not the stuff itself that makes me giggle and hop around with happiness and excitement; its the amazing fact that you listened to me and thought of me.  And your classic deadpan “You don’t have to wait for Christmas to get presents” just astounds me.  Already every day contains fantastic presents that make my heart flutter; your soft kisses, your hard kisses ;) a walk together, breakfast at Little Cheerful, a book break at Starbucks, breakfast for the girls, a load of laundry, chicken curry for dinner, and so often the pleasure of your touch in the early hours of the morning or afternoon or evening.  Doh!  how do I always get sidetracked by those singular moments of ecstasy??

What I’m trying to say my love is that every day with you is Christmas day.  That surprising blend of anticipation and happiness when I first awake then present after present throughout the day and into the evening.  You bring the happiest tears to my eyes and the most joyful smile to my face.  Every day feels impossibly better than the last; closer, more love, more happiness.  I’m safe with you – we can work anything out and make tomorrow another Christmas day.

My heart is yours,

C

 

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The Foundation

Relationships are complex. Well, real ones are. There’s many examples of non-complex pseudo-relationships we can point to. Any couple with an interest or two in common and the rest of the time they sit in silence with nothing to say, that’s a good example of what I’m referring to. Those aren’t bad, necessarily but they aren’t for me, that’s for sure. I think they lack the depth and true understanding between each other that I need in the relationship with the person I want to spend the rest of my life (and afterlife) with. I want to know everything about you. I don’t merely want to know what you think but why you think it. I think you do to, about me and I love being able to share these parts of myself back with you. What this information is used for is illustrated in the following metaphor. It may be spurious but it’s really how I think about it so here it goes…

I think a relationship is a home two people build together. Some people put up a tent or a mobile home. A structure which only lasts until the first event and then it’s destroyed. Some people put more effort into it, using good materials, built solidly such that it takes a more major event to cause structural damage. Some people have good homes but build them too small such that one day they realize there wasn’t enough planning and now they’re too cramped with no room to grow. Sure, it’s nice and solid but everyone’s annoyed all the time which is no good for anyone involved. Some people build it too big and put so much crap into it that they realize that at no point are they and the person they build the house with ever together in the same room.

I see these examples like this all around and none of that is what I see us building. Every day we learn a little more about each other and every day that’s one more brick laid upon the foundation. Oh, what a foundation. The foundation which we spent not weeks or months or even a year building but years, more than seven of them, before we ever even knew we were going to build a home on it, someday. A spacious, light, open, airy home, filled with music and dancing and laughter, a fabulous kitchen and a huge library. In that space there are many nooks and cozy corners with comfy chairs and couches in which two people could curl up together and wile away an afternoon. It’s not style without substance, however. The light and airy structure belies what is beneath, for it is rebar and cinderblock, strong yet flexible, built to withstand earthquakes, hurricanes and floods.

That home isn’t built yet, not all of it, but we have something to live in, to love in and the foundation is there. Sunk into the bedrock. Solid and sound. The home is getting there, bit by bit, brick by brick, day by day. Every glance, every kiss, every time I tell you or you tell me “I love you”, by word or touch or deed, it’s another brick laid down, lined up and patted into place. Our home is already wonderful and it just gets better every day. I am amazingly happy we get this opportunity to build this home together and it fills me with joy to think that we do.

You are my everything and I am yours, forever,
T

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Baby, I’m Amazed By You

It’s funny – I started this letter twenty different times – thinking of you and all I love about you.  It’s hard to choose one thing because baby, I’m amazed by you.  Waking up this morning close to you – your soft touch and “good morning beautiful” was like a ray of sunshine directly into my soul.  And maybe that’s it – you touch every part of my heart love.

I thought of the song by LoneStar and couldn’t resist listening to it with you.  Seems like every word was written for us – how is that?  And how is it that every day I think is the best day of my life and then then next day is something different and even…better?!?  I think the capacity of the human heart for true love is vastly underestimated.  We have something I never dreamed possible and yet here we are.  I can’t believe we get this :)

You know how I told you that any mother would fall in love with the guy who loves her kids?  It’s true and because of your way with the girsl I fall in love with you a little more each day.  I’ve never had anyone to talk to about the girls’ differences, how to approach them, how to interact with them, etc.  Talking with you these past couple of mornings and then commiserating when the school calls to complain that Sydney is hungry after a full breakfast of cheesy eggs and strawberries.  Or hearing me out when Jessica lied and then helping her through that – do you know it was the first time she and I talked about something really important where she wasn’t just crying inconsolably because I was mad? Granted she did end up crying but it was over something else – the way Maddie treated her at school; unrelated to me – I didn’t CAUSE it.

Regardless, the end result is this:  It just keeps getting better with you.  Every time our eyes meet, every time you touch me…our connection is stronger, our love somehow happier.  It seems impossible but I know its true because I’m living it each day.

Forever and ever,
C

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Everything is better

I am wildly in love with you. You are the woman of my dreams and no matter how long I had thought about it beforehand, I never would have thought that life could be as good as it is with you.

What I’ve discovered is that by having your love in my life, everything is better. Waking up next to you in the morning is amazing. Falling asleep in your arms in the night is amazing. Watching a movie with you while holding your hand is amazing. Walking in the woods and stopping for what feels like a somewhat illicit kiss is amazing. Dressing up and going out to dinner with you to one of our favorite restaurants is almost unbelievably amazing. Making love with you in the very special way in which we do that is beyond amazing and I’m not sure the language has a word for it.

The way I feel every single day is just incomparable to anything I’ve ever felt before and it makes me want to invent new words to describe how I’m feeling.

Our life, this life we’re building together, is shazaamalicious.

You have my love, all of it, always and forever.

Yours,
T

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Complicated Stories

There is a very strange and unexpected side effect from being as in love with each other as we are. Certain stories seem to be both too common and far more poignant and sad than I remember them to be the first time I heard or read them, before I discovered what love meant. Before I fell in love with you, my love. The story type I speak of is that story of a once in a lifetime love cut tragically short due to accident or illness, leaving behind one half of the couple, devastated and forever saddened by the loss. Much like I’ve discovered the happiness that all those love stories and song lyrics were speaking of, I now have a context to really sympathize and empathize with what this kind of loss would be like. I find this story very, very conflicting. I’m happy to know and feel their love stories but it is so painful to really imagine their loss. There have been a couple of recent examples of this phenomena that come to mind which I put here for illustrative purposes.

Good Will Hunting

But you’ve never looked at a woman and been totally vulnerable. Known someone that could level you with her eyes, feeling like God put an angel on earth just for you. Who could rescue you from the depths of hell. And you wouldn’t know what it’s like to be her angel, to have that love for her, be there forever, through anything, through cancer. And you wouldn’t know about sleeping sitting up in the hospital room for two months, holding her hand, because the doctors could see in your eyes, that the terms “visiting hours” don’t apply to you.

A Dirty Job

Emily was my life. I got up in the morning for her, I went to work for her, I built a business for her. I couldn’t wait to get home at night to tell her about my day. I went to bed with her and dreamed about her when I slept. She was my passion, my wife, my best friend, the love of my life.

She was meaning and order and light and now that she’s gone, chaos falls like a dark leaden cloud.

I cannot imagine…well, I can imagine but choose not to, not too much. I use these stories for only one purpose and that is to make sure I never take what we have for granted. To make sure I really appreciate each and every day we get together.

Love, with everything I have, every single day
T

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Can My Heart Bear Being Apart?

I was talking with Scott last night; he said something funny and I wanted to laugh with you.  Then it hit me.  Again.  You aren’t stopping at the store for frozen cardboard pizza to keep the kids at bay.  You aren’t on a coffee run.  You aren’t going to show up in 10 minutes so I can share the latest gossip and smile into your blue blue eyes.  I won’t feel your safe arms around me at night.  And each time this realization dawns on me, its like a sharp knife stabbing my heart.

I know that I fell in love with you – hard and fast.  After 8 years of unflagging friendship, every dream I’d dreamed came true with you.  The crazy thing is – somehow along the way I started believing; a strong internalized infallible belief that I’d never be alone again, that I have a partner forever to explore this life and the universe with.

So you can imagine my heartbreak at missing you my love.  I know its temporary and my heart beats with the knowledge that I will be seeing you again soon; in just a few hours.  I never want to be without you again.  Its too hard.  Even though we did it for 8 years, we don’t have to any more and I don’t WANT to be without you ever.

Looking forward to our airport reunion and I’m thrilled to become your wife.

All my love, forever,

C

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The Best Valentine’s Day

It was the best Valentine’s Day ever. I’ve never had a Valentine’s Day with someone I loved so one second into waking up on that day and seeing you lying next to me it was one of my top 10 days of all time and it just got better after that. I got a card that brought happy tears to my eyes. I gave you a card that brought happy tears to my eyes. Other people might look at the night we had oddly. It wasn’t a big fancy dinner surrounded by a million other Valentine’s dinner eaters. There was no snooty Maître d’, girls selling roses or bored violin players. It started out with far too much work but once we got that taken care of we still managed to have a special night. We concentrated on what was important. We got to be very, very close to each other. We got to watch and then discuss a very interesting movie. We got the wine/cheese/charcuterie to spice up the whole evening. It is the textbook version of a night built for us where we stay in, eschewing all others and spending time just with each other.

Side note: I feel that we’re lucky because we have at least two kinds of top notch nights. There’s the other even more perfect night where we get dressed up and go out and enjoy hours of conversation in a nice venue where we might get to add some dancing. Any night at the Herbfarm or our first New Years Eve are perfect examples of that kind of night and this Valentine’s as well as some of our honeymoon nights were of the other sort. But I digress…

What I’m trying to say is this: I love you. I love being with you. I love that even though this holiday came this year, our very first, with some unfortunate limitations, we still made it work. I felt loved and I hope you felt loved and it’s days like these that make me ache with how much I am looking forward to spending the rest of our lives together. The whole day just made me love you even more than I already did and I don’t know that is even possible.

Here’s to many, many more Valentine’s Days, Beautiful, with each and every one better than the last.
-T

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Summer of Love

Well my darling I can’t believe we are here – and the kids in school, an offer on the condo (your dad is awesome!), 3 plugin launches, more court, moving, a huge new client out of nowhere – the list seems endless of all the fun & interesting things we’ve been up to this summer.  And all of it good good news.  Of course everything seems like good news when I have you to share it with.

I love our life together.

I love the life we build together each day.

I love the road we are on in this journey of love and happiness – just blue skies ahead.  Literally 290+ days of the year ;)

You are the sunshine of my life.  Hope you could hear me singing that to you.  Our first ring-a-versary has come and gone and we are still together – the tatoos are still there and I want mine to stay for eternity.

Just musing about the past - the wonderful past – and smiling about the future.  Okay I admit it – I was really thinking about that last “nap”.   Mmmmmmmm.  You locking the door – the girlies distracted – hehehehe.  But I do think about this past summer in general – bittersweet because it was our last in the place we came together, finally.

I enjoyed our summer of love – walks in the woods or at the gym.  Work work work but everyday just you and me…loving each other.

I believe in soul mates and my darling, you are the one!

-C

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How Do I Love Thee?

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday’s
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with a passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood’s faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints, — I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! — Elizabeth Barrett Browning

The first day of a new year my love! I confess – I took out the last line of that poem because it’s too morbid for us ;)

Ever time our eyes meet across the room, my heart still flutters and I’m overwhelmed with how much I love you – freely, purely with passion, depth breadth and height.

Forevermore my sweet lover <3

C

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So Happy to be With You

You’re out in the car, I had to run inside to get some water and a drink with ice in it. It’s late and we’re driving to San Diego for an impromptu seminar thing and you fell asleep and I’m on my way to do the same but I’m driving…so I need some ice to chew on. I don’t know why but that always keeps me awake if I need to be kept awake when caffeine and everything else fails me. Im thinking about how far we’ve come since last time we did this same trip from Vegas to San Diego. How that trip was full of questions and caution while circumstances and our hearts were advocating anything but. This trip is anything but that. I know exactly where I stand and am so happy to be standing here, next to you. These are the thoughts in my head as I clue into the music playing int he gas station. It’s Huey Lewis and I hear “Yes, it’s true, (yes it’s true) I am happy to be stuck with you” and I think YES! I am so happy to be with you, this song is awesome! I keep singing it and buying our drinks and heading out to the car, humming happily to myself. I get into the car and there you are giving me a tired and very loving, 500W smile and all is right with the world. I get in the car, put my hand on your leg where it belongs and we speed off into the night.

It’s the next day before i realize that I’ve missed a bunch of the lyrics to that song. Which is typically me. I’ve missed all the negative connotations and am just going with my own happy interpretation. Apparently he’s singing a song about how he’s been with her so long it’s too late to leave so he’s stuck but at least he’s happy about it. There are less charitable ways of taking that song but I’m not going anywhere near them. Instead I am going to stay with my own interpretation which looks like the following…

Yes, it’s true, (yes it’s true) I’m so happy to be inlove with you
‘Cause I can see, (I can see) that you’re happy to be inlove with me
Yes it’s true (yes it’s true) I’m so happy to be inlove with you
I’m happy to be inlove with you
Happy to be inlove with you.

I am VERY happy to be in love with you, my lady love. So happy I’m rejecting the reality of lyrics as I hear them to fit how I really feel!

T

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Forever

You just left to put the girlies to bed. A long time ago I told you how easy it is for a woman to fall for a guy who pays attentions to her kids. I’m so inlove with you, not just for the amazing dad you are (and WOW – you are incredible) but for you being you. The way you are – the person you are – kind, loving generous, smart, thoughtful, witty, charming, sweet…I could go on all night soaking in the tub and letting flashbacks of you just being the wonderful man you are drift through my mind.

I know things get rough sometimes – as with any/every relationship but I want you to know without a doubt that I am in this with you forever, my love. Even if I WANTED to change that – and I don’t – I couldn’t. You are in my literal heart. Just be careful not to shout out your love for me – you could damage it! ;)

I wish I could convey in mere words how I feel about you and us. I’m overwhelmed with happiness at being with you, loving you, needing you, wanting you. I am warm, safe and loved in your arms and heart. Revealing how truly deep my feelings are for you seems like the scariest of propositions because I am certain if you knew, truly knew, you’d be shocked. You might recoil from such intensity. Mostly I want you to know every day, all day, that I am yours and you are mine for as long as you’ll have me.

Forever. And ever. And ever.

Looking back to the day we met, I still feel that undeniable connection. Now we call it telepathy. I hope when you are reveling in that connected feedback loop that you are able to feel warm, safe and loved with me too. I hope you always feel that from me because no matter what, I feel it for you.

Love conquers all. Life, death, time, fear – all of it. With you my sweet lover, we will conquer it all forever.

-C